So A Jew and an Assyrian Walk Into a Bar

Never fall in love with a party girl. *Sigh*

It’s my fault. I’m a handsome bad boy, a total cad, and I’ve had sex with 100 women.

I dumped the first virgin I deflowered because she cheated on me, and I could do a lot better anyway. I dumped my second serious girlfriend – a slut – because she got bitchy, wouldn’t submit, work, or stop partying. She did cook for me though. Not well, but she tried, so I’ll give her that. Honestly, most of her appeal to me was that she was super hot and fucked like a champ. What can I say?

The third I dumped for trivial reasons, I was kind of a dick about it, but she had done something relatively minor that made me question her character quite a bit.

Then I fell in love with a crazy, insane, wacked out freak nightclub chick for reasons I still don’t fully comprehend. She dumped me the second I stopped screwing other women.

Then I started having sex with college girls who have only gotten easier as time goes on.

You gals are weird. You really should never have sex with guys like me, we’re trouble. Abusive, controlling, an angry drunk who gets off on violence against women. Is this really what you want?

Evidentally, it is. Women Love Evil.

It’s been a hell of a ride. Thanks ladies, come again!

Things that We have Heard and Known

Your king went forward with his plans to cooperate with the Assyrians because it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Now that error has come to fruition, and the Assyrians have taken control over Israel and Judea.

You’re a beat-down Jewish man living in Assyrian Israel. Every day you watch the troops of you occupier march by on their majestic destriers; with their fancy clothes, thick armor, and big muscles. More than once you’ve caught your wife looking at them. Sometimes she tries to hide it, but other times she just doesn’t care if you see her or not.

Yesterday, an Assyrian soldier was carousing around town with his friends, and his robe fell open; revealing himself. That was one of those moments you caught your wife biting her lip. You wonder to yourself: Besides armor, horses, fine clothes, a big ol’ swinging dick, and an army:…

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