This whole Edward Snowden thing is a pageant. Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if you’re seeing it in the corporate media, they want you to see it.
Ever heard of Susan Lindauer? Her revelations about the CIA and the Bush administration were way, way bigger than Edward Snowden’s stuff about the CIA. But chances are you’ve never heard of her. As far as I know, one NYT article, one WP article, and that was it. She would be dead by now if her boyfriend hadn’t have started blogging about her case, and in the youth of the internet, was able to get enough attention and do enough of a run around of the corporate press that a few alt-news sites picked it up.
But ABC, CBS, MSNBC, FOX, CNN and even the faux-progressives (fauxgressives) like Amy Goodman wouldn’t touch her, didn’t breathe a word about her. Then, when they finally let her out and dropped the gag order, she practically gives away a book and speaks any chance any one will listen.
And you’ve probably never heard of her.
Edward Snowden was different. This super spy brought in a thumbdrive into the top secret NSA facility and was able to secretly download all sort of top secret shit. You know, no one was expecting they were going to use thumbdrives to copy secret files. It’s possible he may have did up a GUI in Visual Basic to track the ip number. Look, the NSA guys are just human after all. Mistakes happen.
Then, Edward Snowden’s super hot blonde girlfriend’s sexy lingerie pictures show up. I wasn’t paying much attention to the Snowden non-revelation, until that little hottie had her pics all over the internet. I already told the story of how that ugly prick Air Force officer assigned to NSA stole my super hot 19 year old lifeguard girlfriend from me when I was 17, but all I can think now is if they are still together, that’s the best revenge ever.
I’m sorry what were we talking about? Oh yes, the NSA. So let’s find out what the Super Spy, this real life James Bond, Edward Snowden of the CIA or NSA or whichever is going on tv to tell us.
1. The NSA copies your emails and shit you post on Facebook.
2. Google, AOL, Yahoo, etc., all share information with the NSA. The big internet companies are up in arms about this, because the NSA expects this info for free, and usually they get paid money by marketers for it. It’s a tax as the Free Market Libertarians will tell you, and it makes Google much more expensive for the consumer. Um.
3. Low level enlisted guys – 18-21 year old geeky guys in the Army assigned to NSA – sometimes stumble upon your girlfriend’s topless selfies she sends to me (sorry dude, she’s a total slut) and pass them around while wishing they could fuck your girlfriend like you and I do. I mean, sure, it’s bad. They shouldn’t be doing that. But come on, your girlfriend will be posting topless selfies on hotornot.com just as soon as we stop slut shaming her. Free the boobies, that’s what she wants.
4. The NSA doesn’t just spy on Americans, but pretty much everyone in the world they can, including Hitler’s granddaughter, Angela Merkel (Hitler the Sixteenth.)
If you are ignorant, clueless, and haven’t read anything about the NSA for the last 20 years, these “revelations” by Edward Snowden must be a really, really big surprise. In fact, you may be outraged – OUTRAGED! – that the NSA spies on you, but I mean, duh. This isn’t a “secret” nor is it a “revelation.” You just ignored it – they actually had to trot out a hot girl in her underpants to give Edward Snowden enough eyeballs online for them to spread this propaganda – the NSA spies on you just slightly less than the average hacker and or internet marketer does. It’s ok to feign outrage and join some change.org petition for privacy.
See, that’s why the whole wikileaks/Julian Assange thing didn’t work out. There was a salacious sex story, about him getting accused of rape by a Swedish co-ed for fucking her without a condom, but they didn’t release any pictures of her. All their leaks were admittedly “selected” – and published far and wide by the same press that wouldn’t touch Susan Lindaur – or Sibel Edmonds for that matter – and what do you know, the consensus was it all justified the neo-cons. And Julian Assange even told us, we shouldn’t be worrying about any of those “9/11 conspiracy theories” because he has the “real conspiracy theories” (Saudi Arabia did it and Israel fights terror. I knew it!)
It’s great too, Edward Snowden actually approved a special highly secret version of linux that he suggests everyone use if they want to avoid the NSA spying on them. Damn, that guy is a True Patriot Stand Up Guy. A real Fighter for Freedom.
Plus did I mention there’s all these hot pictures of his girlfriend in her underwear online? Sexy!